Mission Review
by RedSoul411
Summary: A C-Ranked mission to a small town, to catch a thief whose been stealing from the local banks. easy. So why is it that the great Jonin Kakashi, and the Hokage Tsunade have to sit in, and listen to the excuses of the two LOSERS who managed to mess it up...


**Hello my ninja friends! This is a little crack-fiction I've been toying with for a while now, which may grow a little more, depending on if I get any response to it. As with all my stories, their Fan Made – since I'm not the owner of Naruto.**

The air was filled with joyous celebration. The end of the spring was met with a festival each year on a border town of the Land of Fire. This year was without exception; the small square was flooded with youngsters from many towns over, all eager to partake in the festivities. Groups of young girls, dressed for their first exciting experiences of romance, eyed up by the gangs of young men, whom had since abandoned such childish and fantastic notions of being Shinobi, and turned their attention to the fairer sex. The tragic irony of the situation was that should any handsome Shinobi enter the town, they surely would be the prize for these young women.

As it was, such a Shinobi did indeed enter the town. Bold and tall, this fine specimen of a man drew the attention of the girls within seconds. His was a true hero, embodying true justice and power. As he passed each girl, their legs would grow weak, and sighs of passion escaped their tender lips. His alluring blonde locks waved slightly in the wind, held high by his iconic headband.

Upon arriving at a bonfire nearby, the ninja stood determined; the will of fire visible to all that looked into his luscious blue eyes – eyes that illuminated the soul. One such girl, an angelic and fragile creature, was so captivated by his beauty that sheer fate compelled her to talk to him. Gliding effortlessly to his refined figure the girl introduced herself, and confessed her love, before he placed a hand to her lips.

"I know how you feel, but please, lives are in danger here. I cannot become distracted by a pretty girl such as you. Can you tell me, have you seen any suspicious figures lurking the town this evening, miss?" He asked in a hushed yet powerful voice that soothed her rejection.

The girl then shuddered upon fully comprehending his question (she was, at first, too lost in his eyes), and nodded. Alarmed, the Shinobi immediately grabbed her hands and pleaded to know where the demonic fiend was.

Shaking as she did so, the girl raised a finger towards a tree outside the bonfire clearing where an self-loathing life-form lingered. Riddled with angst, the figure took the shape of a vain young man (which was a pointless personality trait since the boy was dripping with grease and sweat in a hideous fashion).

"Oh, false alarm. Miss; that _unfortunately_ is my ninja teammate Sasuke. He's thinks he's too cool for fun and bonfires, but he's also too weak and pathetic to be of any aide to me in any way possible, so I just keep him out of the way, like the rat he is." The brave ninja explained.

The girl looked on in awe.

"Oh, my hero! You think enough of someone as loathsome as that as to consider him a teammate." She cooed. With that she threw herself upon her prize. Having resisted temptation this long, the ninja felt morally obliged to respond to the young girl. Taking her face in his firm hands, he placed his noble lips on hers. Melting in a sea of passion, they both became engulfed in euphoria and ignored an approaching presence.

Sasuke slivered over to the bonfire and pouted shamelessly.

"Er…Naruto, _what_ is this?" he bitched, raising his eyebrows as Naruto and the girl continued their quest for passion. Sighing, and still staring into the young angel's mystifying blue eyes, Naruto mustered enough willpower to turn to his vain friend.

"…Sasuke please, I may need some time here…" He explained, his voice merely a whisper, but boomed enough power and majesty that it would make the Hokage of old waver to his will. Sasuke, undaunted and as scandalous as ever decided to retort.

"Naruto; this is a _very_ serious investigation! _I _can't do this without your help, okay? _My_ faultless reputation is on the line here!" He whined, flipping his hair to one side and gazing into the bonfire obnoxiously.

His declaration was unheard, as Naruto gave into his urges and returned to his woman; running his hand through her luscious blonde hair.

Gasping at his friend's lack of concern, Sasuke gave both a glare of death.

"Oh…my…gosh…" Sasuke sighed.

"I DO NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT, YOU LOSER!"

* * *

"Well; that's how I remember it happening, moron." Naruto spat, as he and Sasuke were now both out of their chairs, hands on each other's collars and ready to kill. Sitting opposite them was Tsunade at her desk, with Kakashi hanging on the windowsill, reading whilst giving half-hearted words of warning, and Shizune stressing left and right, trying to keep the Hokage's paperwork in order as two Gennin prepared to fight in her office.

"Aren't you going to do something?" She pleaded with Kakashi, as Tsunade sat; her eyes closed, as sure sign of her declining patience.

"…_sigh_, boys; what have I told you about fighting?" He asked vaguely, whilst casually turning the page in his book.

"That it's okay!" Naruto injected, still glaring at Sasuke.

"It's the first thing to do when someone doesn't agree!" Sasuke interjected, he too had not taken his eyes off of his foe.

"No – well, yes, I've probably said those things before," Kakashi felt the shocked eyes of Shizune, and felt Tsunade's rage begin to coil around him, "Er, but, but that's not for this situation. Fighting with friends is _wrong_."

This little morality lesson was lost on his students as both raised their fists to strike. Tsunade, however, decided she'd had enough and lifted both from their collars, a few feet off of the floor, and their heads mere inches away from the fan above her office.

"Are you two going to shut up and tell me what really happened!" She roared.

"Yes, Milady." Sasuke sullenly responded.

"Naruto?" She asked.

"Yeah, okay Grandma-Tsunade." He finally replied.

She dropped them both onto the ground, marched past a shaking Shizune, took another document and began to survey it whilst signalling she was still listening to their story.

Both were silent, but Sasuke used this time to show his side of the story – clearly Naruto was too immature to tell it.

"Well, we were at the bonfire, but it wasn't Naruto who met the girl there…" Sasuke began.

* * *

Sasuke, in all his noble glory, drifted through the festival, as the crowds parted for the angst-ridden hero. He would here hushed conversations between gangs of girls, and felt their hot, needing bodies call for him. He didn't react. He didn't need to. All was as it should be, after all, he was Sasuke Uchiha.

One girl plucked up the courage to stand before her idol. She was pretty, wore an orange komino and had mousey blonde hair with hazel eyes. She bit her lip and gazed at her prize with resolute desire.

"I…I need you…" She began. Sasuke raised a hand, and placed another on her gentle shoulder.

"Please, stop…I know what you desire, but it is not I that you love, merely a name and a shadow…" He sighed in pain for having to break yet another maiden's heart. But how could he say yes, when his epic quest would have little time for romance?

"I have to say no; go now, live your life, love, marry, but never forget me-"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"

* * *

Beneath Tsunade's growing shadow, Sasuke turned to his interrupting friend with contempt.

"Why D'you stop me? I was just building up to the story." He groaned.

"…are you serious? Is, is that what goes on in your head when you turn girls down? I think it was more; she asked you out, you turned away like the little bitch you are, and walked off mumbling about revenge or whatever. I mean, where was I during all this?" Naruto ranted.

"I was just getting to you!"

* * *

As the grief-stricken girl turned to leave through Sasuke's benevolent words, she smelt a foul creature approach. Turning in fear, she gasped and hid behind her fiery saviour.

"What is _that_?"

A hideous, pathetic form came into the light. It had blonde, unruly hair coated with ramen noodles, with blue eyes crossed due to chronic idiocy. The beast bumbled his way to Sasuke, walking into several posts along the way. It began to incoherently roar the words 'Hokage', 'will be' and 'I'.

"Alas, this is the beast I am tied to. I must defend the innocent such as you, and hopefully educate this poor, poor soul into becoming a fine Shinobi," His 'partner' began to paw at the girl and dribble, "No Naruto, you must not touch! I apologise, but he's seriously disabled and slightly dangerous. I think it best you leave."

Before she could turn however, he cupped her cheek and gazed wondrously into her submissive eyes.

"But I will never forget you, as I know you will not forget I." He placed his lips delicately onto hers, and felt a shudder of love course through her young body.

Turning away in angst, Sasuke bade her leave him, to save more heartache.

"…WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS! IF THAT'S HOW YOU THINK IT HAPPENED, THEN YOU'VE GOT SERIOUS PROBLEMS!"

* * *

"What! I did the right thing, I couldn't just have a girl complicate the mission, could I?" Sasuke retorted.

"Guys, guys, please; everyone here knows neither of you have ever gotten _anywhere_ with a girl." Kakashi stated plainly.

"…." Naruto stared, turning red.

"…." Sasuke was looking at anything but his peers.

"Let's just summarise what we've got here. You two made it to the festival, okay, that much is clear. You each say you've met a girl whilst you were there; contrasting descriptions. Then what, did you see the thief?" Kakashi asked.

"…we both decided that the thief wouldn't show up until after the crowds had gone, so we both drifted back to the hotel." Naruto explained, as Shizune breathed a sigh of relief – finally, the two were beginning to tell the real story.

* * *

Naruto marched resolutely through the streets; chiselled jaw held high as lesser men retreated behind their womenfolk. His pouting friend sulked behind him, stopping only to admire his own slimy reflection in any mirror they came upon.

"Sasuke, you have to stop doing this. You're not letting me complete the mission." Naruto calmly explained, his powerful tones shaking Sasuke into submission, as he tore his gaze away from his reflection back to his vastly superior ally.

"Damn you Naruto and that epic power of yours!" He cursed. The crowd gasped at this sacrilegious statement.

"Hmph, typical Uchiha inferiority complex," Naruto nodded seriously, glancing at his audience, "I've seen the same thing with the Hyuga Clan of our glorious village. It is the humble men such as I that are always the true legends. Nevertheless, I can use my influence to make this worm into a fine ninja. Stand back people, his angst may spread onto you."

The crowd responded with a murmur of disapproval at Sasuke's brooding state. Hissing at them, Sasuke was dragged by Naruto to the hotel.

"HISSED! I DON'T HISS!" Sasuke snapped.

* * *

"WELL, THAT'S HOW I REMEMBER IT!" Naruto retorted.

Back at the hotel, the two began to arm themselves with kunai and paper bombs. Naruto's ingenious plan was to layout the floors and walls of the bank with the bombs, and for one to disguise themselves as an object inside the bank, just in case the thief managed to manoeuvre his way through them.

"Huh, that's a good plan Naruto." Shizune praised.

"…whatever, I was the one who thought of that!" Sasuke glared at Naruto.

"Yeah, right! I was the one who said we needed to think of something-" Naruto began.

"And I was the one who came up with that 'something'!" Sasuke responded; both now out of their seats again.

"So you made a plan, good, what happened next?" Kakashi interrupted the stand-off.

"…well, we geared up and snuck into the bank…" Sasuke began.

* * *

"_Hokage, Hokage, Hokage, Hokage_" Naruto grunted, as Sasuke led him on a leash underneath the moonlight.

"Yes Naruto, that's the name of our leader. But now you must remain silent; we're close to the bank, and we can't alert anyone." Sasuke explained.

Naruto grunted in compliance and the two made their way into the bank, slicing a pane of glass off a window before replacing it once inside.

* * *

"The laying of the bombs took about ten minutes. After which we decided that Sasuke's dark and slimy attitude would fit perfectly with the shadows in the bank, and that I'd be overkill if I jumped the thief." Naruto explained earnestly.

"Ha! 'we decided', is that how you remember it? I sent you out of that bank crying." Sasuke spat, turning to his superiors.

"I beat the guy in arm wrestling, thumb war, a slapping contest, a stare-out, rock-paper-scissors and 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' and he still wouldn't accept that I was the man to hide in the bank." He explained.

"Right," Kakashi replied, deciding it was best to overlook how and why his students had snuck a children's board game into a bank, "so Sasuke was hidden inside. Naruto; did you see any movement outside, did you see anyone?"

"Are you kidding me? The Loser was still crying that he was a Loser." Sasuke gloated.

"Yeah right, talk all you want. You were the one who let this mission down Sasuke!" Naruto retorted.

* * *

Outside, the brave Naruto (Who definitely wasn't a Loser, especially at 'Hungry Hungry Hippos') stood bold and tall atop the building opposite the small bank, pondering on how long it would take the Leaf Ninja to carve his handsome face into the mountainside once he had completed this mission.

Meanwhile, the gruesome and vile Uchiha had forgone his transformation Jutsu and opted to listen to his favourite song 'Woe Betide Me!' by 'The Miserable Ninjas' on repeat. After hearing it for the tenth time, Sasuke glanced at the safe at the back of the bank to see it open. Gasping, the pathetic ninja dashed to the front, only stopping to realise he'd triggered his own paper bombs.

Naruto reacted in a flash, heroically pulling his undeserving friend from the fire, before epically calling out to the thief, stating he would bring them justice.

* * *

"JUSTICE! I cried, JUSTICE!"

Tsunade proceeded to launch the data book she was currently reading through at Naruto's face, knocking him off of his chair.

"Hey! I'm telling the truth!" Naruto roared.

"…Even if you are, it's still annoying…" She casually responded, now signing more paperwork.

Kakashi and Shizune turned to Sasuke during this confrontation.

"Was there a fire?" Shizune asked.

"Yeah…well…i-if Naruto hadn't been sulking-"

"I was too busy MUSING over my greatness!" Naruto spat at Sasuke.

Kakashi had now had enough and stood between the two Genin, placing his book back in his pocket and grabbing them by the collar, much like Tsunade had done earlier.

"Right; so the thief avoided detection, _completely_. From what I can tell, Lady Tsunade; Naruto may have indeed been too busy brooding to have noticed everything around the bank's entrance. From there, I'd guess Sasuke's ego caused him to let his guard down, and he may have been subjected to Genjutsu. How else do you explain how Sasuke would so pitifully trigger his own trap?"

This explanation left both ninja red-faced. Dropping them both down again, Kakashi returned to his seat, and sighed.

"Now then boys, how about you tell us what happened next, _without _the lies!"

**Hope you enjoyed it, and please review!**


End file.
